14th July 10
Dear Taco C.C. Bear,
This letter is supposed to be to someone I don’t talk to as much as I’d like to. I don’t really know if you count, given that you’re a hamster and can’t actually talk, but I sure wish you could.
First of all, what’s with you chewing on those metal bars all the time? There are lots of other (more appetizing) things for you to chew on, you know. I tried to give you food today and all you did was bury it and then climb back onto those bars and start chomping away. You were getting pretty rough with that cage, and your hind legs were all over the place. It was kind of obscene.
Also, could you quit sleeping with half your body in your wheel like that? Whenever I come home from class I get all worried that you’re dead or something. Thankfully you do this cute little twitching thing when you sleep, so it’s pretty easy to make sure you’re still alive.
Anyway, you’re a whacko, but I’m glad Morgan has been keeping you in the living room. Those all-nighters would be so lonely without your relentless chewing in the background.
Love,
Lauren
14th July 10
Dear Cat Deeley,
There’s nothing I want more in life than to be invited to one of your Fourth of July barbeques. Partially in hopes of meeting Lacey Schwimmer or Chelsie Hightower, but mostly just to tell you that you totally deserved an Emmy nomination. Screw Ryan Seacrest.
Also, props for standing up for AdéChiké when Mia, as always, decided to go after the black dancer. Really, what’s her deal? Even though her choreography makes the hair on my arms stand on end (I love when you say that!), she just sucks as a judge. I’d take the Hot Tamale Train over her any day.
But really, back to that barbeque. How about an invite for me next year? I’ll bring the veggie burgers. And corn. God, we have so much corn in this house.
Sincerely,
Lauren
13th July 10
(via coffeefortwo)
Love this <3
11th July 10
Dear Maddie (Muzzy!),
We haven’t talked in a while, but we’ve been ~e-friends~ for… probably 6 years? We’ve been through something like 3 different message boards together, sent plenty of pen pal letters back and forth, and stayed up late on AIM coding Wordpress themes countless times. If I look hard enough, I can probably find some old templates for your unfamed(.org?) blog.
Seriously, the internet was so good back then.
(Let me sit for a moment and lament, recounting the days of our youth, when fu.CK was actually interesting and e-drama was basically the greatest thing ever. There’s still a place for melodrama on the internets!)
But wait, before you get all sad, there’s more! Because then there were our late night video chats together. And when I say video chats, I mean ridiculous videos of us showing off our artistic abilities through dance, modern art, and other forms of insanity.
I mean, really. Nothing says it quite like this:
No one is cooler than that, amirite?
With e-love,
Laurchops
9th July 10
Dear Psycho,
I love when you boast about your mediocre accomplishments. Nothing is more amusing than your ego.
Love,
Lauren
9th July 10
Dear Stranger whose right foot I saw a few years ago,
You had a green bag and what I like to call a “power stance.” All I saw was the one foot—that and your green bag—but that was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t alone.
As I left I searched around for a familiar shoe, or a green bag, wondering if I could figure out who you were, wondering if I knew you, but secretly hoping to never find out.
In some ways, I already know enough about you. In my head you’re tall, and blonde, and rather exhausted looking. You like to wear over-sized sweaters and you walk rather quickly, like you’re always on your way somewhere. Immediately. Everything is very immediate, very fast. I hope you’re remembering to take care of yourself.
This is a very uncomfortable letter to write.
From,
The stranger with the Birkenstocks
7th July 10
Dear Dreams,
I once read a bit of graffiti on a bathroom stall that said ALL OUR DREAMS ARE DEAD. Underneath, someone had scribbled “so dream new ones.”
I haven’t quite gotten around to that yet. So when I do, you know, just don’t let me down.
Lauren
6th July 10
Dear Little Brother,
Mom won’t stop stalking me and she’s got some crazy obsession with me traveling anywhere. She keeps asking me how NY was because she knows I took the train in last week, so she won’t shut up about it. It’s like, if I tell you I went out to buy food for dinner tonight, are you going to freak out about that, too, and ask what it was like? AS IF I DON’T EAT DINNER EVERY NIGHT.
By the way, tell her to send down some more peanut butter. Oh, sorry. Let me translate that into Venusian to make the message relaying a bit easier:
Venus… can U plz send down some more skippy when U get a chance 2… I am running low & desperately need more emergency PB… xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo ~L~
Also, I really want to see the scanned copy of your Saladjar essay, which was pretty much the greatest thing I’ve ever read. Fo’ realz.
Your sister,
Lauren
5th July 10
Anonymous asked: As your former teacher I must suggest that it is "someone WHO" rather than someone THAT. Also, is there an RSS feed for this "plog.? I sure do like "quotation marks."
Hahaha. I wrote “someone who” in my actual letter! The list was copied (in its original form) from the one circulating on Tumblr… but I will change it, for the sake of your well-being/sanity/etc. Here you go: RSS Feed :)
5th July 10
Dear Parental Units,
I’m not sure what to write in this letter, given the possibility that you’ll read it after searching my name on Google or finding my Facebook profile up on my brother’s computer or stalking me however it is that you do, but I’ll give it a shot.
(That was a lovely introduction, wasn’t it?)
There are times when I can’t stand you — mostly because I think you have a difficult time accepting that your baby girl is 21 and capable of driving, feeding herself, and so on — but there are a lot of things you’ve taught me that I’m thankful for. You’ve taught me how to put insanity to good use (mom), how to tolerate insanity (dad), how to get free things by selling other people’s clothes (mom), and how to deal with someone who sells your clothes while you’re at work (dad).
I’ve also learned a lot about strong relationships. I mean, you’ve been married for long enough. Most of those years have probably been spent contemplating divorce, but still.
On with the list of things you’ve taught me: I can cook just about anything in a microwave, and I’m quite skilled at stealing food from the dining hall. I have a fairly strong work ethic and I can play the role of peacekeeper when everyone around me is going nuts. I’ve also taken to the odd eating habits (mom) and hoarding useless things (dad), but I guess you take the bad with the good.
There’s a lot more I could say, but really, I just want to get to the point. So thanks for all the love and peanut butter.
Love,
Lauren
